A big, jargon-laden word salad is the best way to satiate employees starved for information. It’s quick, it’s easy, and it has become a staple of any corporate meeting. Whether you’re an overwhelmed C.E.O. or a lacklustre middle manager, you’ll find yourself returning to this recipe again and again.
INGREDIENTS
● Three to four sentence starters. These will form the base of your corporate word salad.
● Positive adjectives—look for long ones, and variety is key.
● Data—can be cooked several days ahead of time.
● Rhetorical questions.
● Action items—homemade is best, but they can be bought from a consulting firm in a pinch.
Step 1:
Create a dense base layer of sentence starters. Artfully arrange them to insure variety. Employees will keep consuming them if they think that they’re getting a new bite of information every time.
Step 2:
Simmer the specifics until reduced by half.
Step 3:
Toss in the data. Make sure to trim off any context. Only add in data that enhances the flavor of your company’s success. Data that’s particularly hard for employees to digest can be set aside and served as a garnish, in handout form.
Note: Some people prefer to massage the data and cook the numbers before serving. Cold, hard facts are too harsh on many corporate digestive tracts, especially those of potential investors or employees who are about to get laid off.
Step 4:
Mix in rhetorical questions. This is a cheap way to add density to your salad.
Step 5:
Toss with positive adjectives until each statement is evenly coated with an optimistic glaze.
Step 6:
Serve with action items. These can be offered in bullet form, at the end of the salad, or scattered throughout.
Chef’s Note:
Word salad has a very short shelf life. Always serve fresh word salad—old word salad will make your employees sick to their stomachs.
