Ah, fall! That beautiful time of year when leaves take on the orange glow of the setting sun, acorns crunch under booted feet, crisp air cools hot cider from the local market, and—oh, it’s over, there it goes, it’s winter now.
Yes, it’s finally that autumnal season! Gather the harvest for the cornucopia! Roast butternut squash and braise pork shoulder with good friends ’round the hot wood fire as you—O.K., is that sleet? It’s sleeting now. And it says that tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the eighties. Then it’s going to snow. How is that possible?
Never mind. Breathe in that clean, cool scent of pine! Pull out your favorite cardigan and let’s go apple-picking! Pumpkin-picking! Corn-husking! I—I think I have a sunburn. It just got really hot, right? And these apples are swarming with bees. I thought that the bees were dead or hibernating or something. Why does it just get randomly hot like this?
A hayride? Why, yes, of course, a hayride! What better way to roll into the equinox? Pile on, everyone! We’ll sip mulled cider and tell ghost stories as we roll along—hmm, we’re not moving. What do you mean, “we’re stuck”? The wheels of the tractor are lodged in frozen mud? The driver has perished of hypothermia? What is happening?
All right, let’s head home! We’ll gather on the porch and let the day fade to night. We’ll see that awesome autumn sunset and—wait, it’s already dark? It’s, like, 4 P.M. How is it completely dark outside?
Who cares—throw a scarf ’round your neck and gather under this plaid wool blanket so that we may gaze upon the autumn stars! Ow, what was that—OW! Those aren’t stars! That’s hail! Oh, my God, those are massive balls of hail! Run! Everybody, run for cover!
As we crouch here, hiding from a torrent of monstrous hail, wondering if these are our final moments, let us appreciate what the season has given us. One, perhaps even two days of picturesque fall weather. Crunchy piles of leaves for about a week. I’ll be the first to say it: this is my favorite season that lasts eighteen to thirty-six hours.
Now on to that cozy, warm, wondrous holiday season! Cold, wintry nights full of family and roaring fires and stockings and candles and cookies and—oh, that’s over now, too. Great. Get ready for five months of February!
