Sally is an ardent civil-rights activist with blue hair. Bill is a ruthless corporate lawyer renowned for his ability to close the deal. They fall in love from opposite sides of the police barricade. Sally helps Bill rediscover his love of festive butter cookies, and Bill teaches Sally that a more restrained approach to her activism is vital to keeping him in the unbothered state of mind essential for closing the deal. In the emotional climax, Bill leaves his wife and Sally vows to step away from her activism to raise Bill’s school-aged quintuplets.
This film was written and produced by David Benioff and D. B. Weiss, in a bold departure from their existing body of work. Critics are calling it a heartwarming statement about how people on “both sides of the issue” can find common ground and, sometimes, even true love.
Four intersecting romantic story lines play out in their entirety (from meet-cute to flirtation, betrayal, and reunion) on a single ninety-five-minute Zoom call. Everyone is surrounded by soft twinkle-lights, and no one appears to be hiding a forty of malt liquor out of frame.
Through intensive focus groups, the producers of “A.I.W.F.C.I.Z.” concluded that the average person, after disconnecting from an agonizing family Zoom call, wants nothing more than to immediately turn on the TV and watch a fake Zoom call that goes slightly better. (“A.I.W.F.C.I.Z.” will ultimately gross three-thousand times its production budget.)
Liberal-arts-educated Martha tries to teach her staunchly pro-Trump dad that the true meaning of Christmas is probably not to destroy democracy in the service of a single man’s humongous ego. Dad does not come around. Martha is comforted by the fact that at least the mini MAGA caps adorning his tree look like Santa hats, if you squint hard enough.
In a twist ending, Santa Claus is revealed to have been Trump all along. Dad is vindicated, America is saved, and the North Pole is moved to Florida to eliminate the snowflakes. The movie will première immediately before the newly reinstated Trump Foundation’s “72-Hour Christmas Telethon to Extinguish Massive Campaign Debt and Then Buy Presents for Kids All Over the Place, in That Order,” co-hosted by Tucker Carlson and certified Yuletide bard Kid Rock.
A log burns merrily and self-extinguishes after forty-five minutes because this home’s single inhabitant drank five rum-and-eggnogs and fell asleep binge-watching “Dawson’s Creek,” again.
