Old-Fashioned Fruitcake with Raisins and Resentment
Who says you can’t keep the spirit of the season alive while quarantining solo in an overpriced Murray Hill studio apartment? Start by blending one pound of softened butter and a cup of brown sugar. Then spend fifteen to forty-five minutes scrolling through the old family photos your sister posted from the late nineties, before your dad’s bisexuality really became a problem for your mom. Add one-half cup each of candied oranges, walnuts, raisins, and muttered curses about the false security of childhood.
A Single Gingerbread Person
This recipe makes enough dough for one, and only one, cookie. It can be enjoyed with coffee, or all by itself, because it is perfectly fine alone. Once it’s baked, decorate it with a kindly face made of sprinkles and icing, and listen carefully as it gently reminds you that you are worthy of love. The secret to this recipe is a pinch of cardamom. And the secret to being single during a pandemic is rock-bottom expectations.
Pecan’t Pie
This pie is incredibly sweet and tender, unlike your mother. When, exactly, did she become so emotionally unavailable? What were you, seventeen? Chop two cups of pecans and toast them lightly, while you allow yourself to really wallow in your disappointment and grief, maybe for the first time. Actually, screw the pie. Have another glass of wine instead. And don’t try calling her, she’ll just reply with one of those auto-generated “sorry I can’t talk right now” texts.
Bittersweet Potatoes
Think of this year as a much-needed break from your exhausting list of annual traditions—ear-splitting karaoke at the company holiday party, kissing strangers in a crowded bar on New Year’s Eve, hearing that one guy in your subway station play “Jingle Bell Rock” way off-key every morning for a month . . . Did you really enjoy these things, anyway? Well, yes, maybe you did. Peel the sweet potatoes quickly, before your vision is blurred by tears.
Classic Goose with Stuffed Rage
Nothing beats a classic stuffed goose for Yuletide cheer, except maybe a functional government run by people with a shred of compassion. To make the stuffing, start by tearing a loaf of day-old bread into chunks. O.K., punching the bread while screaming isn’t totally necessary, but sure, go for it! And, yeah, why not bash some of it into the carpet with a rolling pin while cursing the names of our so-called leaders? Feel that flush in your cheeks? It’s either rage or holiday cheer—either way, it sure is festive!
