Peloton
This is a bike that takes you nowhere. Not to the grocery store, not to your daughter’s house unannounced—nowhere. One star.
Lord Jones
I tried the CBD gummies. The taste was terrible. Then I fell asleep in the middle of the day for the first time in sixty-five years. This is a witch’s brew. Zero stars.
Great Jones
Is this cookware for small children to make miniature meals in? How do you make ten Tupperwares’ worth of ghormeh sabzi to put in your freezer? Perhaps it is a weight-loss pot. I’ll give one to my daughter-in-law. Two stars.
Moon Juice
I bought the Brain Dust for one of my grandchildren. For thirty-eight dollars, plus shipping and tax, I expect it to get him into Harvard or at least (God have mercy on me) Cornell. So far, it’s too soon to tell if it works, as he is in the third grade. Zero stars for now.
Rothy’s
These are great shower shoes. I was looking for a waterproof pajama shoe, and these are just the ticket. Even though I clean my shower twice a day, it’s still not clean enough for my bare feet. It’s nice to see a brand address this problem. Four stars.
Daily Harvest
After years of shoving fruit platters in my granddaughter’s face, I finally found a way to get her to eat produce—put it in a ten-dollar paper cup and ship it to her on dry ice. Plus, I take the cups back when she’s done and reuse them to store my pickled vegetables. Five stars.
Hilma
These pills claim to boost immunity but did not come with a hot-water bottle or six glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice. A scam. One star.
Casper
I went to their store and was disturbed by what I saw. People were lying down on the bed WITH THEIR SHOES ON. THEIR SHOES FROM THE OUTSIDE. I went straight to the manager. He did not seem concerned. If I could close down this business, I would. Negative a hundred stars.
Away
I was a little late to the airport and missed my flight by four hours. I kicked my suitcase while cursing the evil eye for jinxing me, and the suitcase dented. Cheap plastic. I now use it as a go bag, to store my thousand pieces of silver that I keep under my bed. Two stars, only because of storage utility.
The Sill
The plants that I ordered were defective. None of them produced a single fruit or vegetable. Useless. I will be giving them to my dentist for her waiting room. One star.
Trader Joe’s
I love this place. It feels like home. Like the bazaar in Tehran where hundreds of sweaty peasants fight over the last loaf of bread. Five stars.
