Facebook headquarters, Menlo Park, California. A conference room. Senior Facebook executives sit around a large table.
A long silence.
CLAUDIA: Remember, there are no bad ideas. Maybe let’s review the starter ideas from upstairs. Ken, could you read those again, please?
KEN: Absolutely. So Sheryl’s were SunLight, Magic, Luminere, Concentric, One.
CLAUDIA: Some great stuff there. Themes, certainly. Human, hopeful, bright. And from Mark?
KEN: Mark’s were Robot Friend, Imaginary Friend, Please Be My Friend, I Am Not a Robot, Normal Boy, and Where’s Sheryl?
CLAUDIA: Also interesting.
KEN: The new name should reflect the big questions. Who are we? What are we? What do we stand for? Are we soulless automatons who mine your data for profit? Certainly not outwardly.
CLAUDIA: Exactly. The point is that the new us has an image that projects freshness and difference, and the perception that the old Facebook is a thing of the past.
JUMA: Is it?
KEN: God, no.
JUMA: I love the word “face.” That word is so us. So I had AboutFace. Or FaceLift. Also TwoFaced. But, like, in a positive way. Or FaceTheFactsJax. The facts part being that we have all your information.
KEN: I love the idea of signalling that we’ve fundamentally changed . . . as far as you know. The problem is that the word “face”—
CLAUDIA: We’ve learned that Mark hates the word “face.”
ALI: Really?
CLAUDIA: He doesn’t like the word, the idea, human faces—anything like that. He doesn’t like looking at faces. He refuses to listen to the song “Ooh La La” by the band Faces.
MONTE: Is he at all open to any of Rod Stewart’s other work? “Maggie May” is a wonderful song.
ALI: Any other watch-outs?
KEN: “Murphy.” Neighbor of Mark’s growing up. They didn’t get along well. So Mark is buying the name to keep the man from ever using it again.
MONTE: What about FriendYourself?
CLAUDIA: Hmm. Does it sound too much like “fuck yourself”?
KEN: Good watch-out. Let’s avoid that.
JUMA: Claudia, any thoughts on the word “book”?
CLAUDIA: Both Mark and Sheryl love the word. What do you have in mind?
JUMA: What about OpenBook? As in, we are an open book. Life is an open book. And, implicitly, your life and data are an open book to us.
KEN: Love.
CLAUDIA: BookMark.
MONTE: Because his name is Mark. I get it.
KLODET: I’d like to say five names. They literally just popped into my head while listening to Claudia. I feel that this is a safe space and there are no judgments. O.K., so: Scrumptious, Jimbo, DonkeyEngine—
MONTE: DonkeyEngine?
KLODET: For fuck’s sake, Monte, I’m not done!
An awkward silence.
KLODET: —CatAtonic, and You Light Up My Life.
Pause.
KLODET: I’m done.
KEN: So good. “Scrumptious” is a keeper.
CLAUDIA: Nice. Let’s just . . . open it up. Maybe breathe deep, clear our minds, forget words and phrases like “scandal” and “lie” and “data mining” and “congressional obfuscation” and “perjury.” All good words. But not great names, right? And that’s what we need. A name that says loud and clear who we are in the sense that it’s who we hope to be perceived to be. Clear?
MONTE: FacciaBook—faccia being “face” in another language.
KEN: Monte, let’s just . . . . Anyone else?
JUMA: This is totally out there, but what about Gurgle?
CLAUDIA: As in the sound a baby might make?
JUMA: Perhaps. I don’t really know what it means. But I feel like it makes sense for who we are—well, not are, but might someday be.
KEN: Yes. Very much. Hopeful. New. A baby. New life.
ALI: I love this.
MONTE: I had a similar thought. What about Gargle?
CLAUDIA: As in something you might do with mouthwash?
MONTE: Exactly. Like, you gargle and spit it out, as if you’re saying, Get away, you disgusting old Facebook sputum. And what’s left is the new taste in your mouth. Gurgle. Facebook, but not disgusting-tasting.
CLAUDIA: I like where you’re going, except for the actual words. Anyone else?
JANA: I was trying to think of a word that’s maybe the exact opposite of, like, all the stuff in the news about us and the research that shows how people don’t trust us. So, the opposite of words like “lying” and “cheating” and “algorithm-tampering” and “immoral” and “time-wasting” and “news-altering” and “world-dominating.” And I guess, for me, the one word that comes to mind that’s the opposite of all of that is HotDiggity.
KEN: Love.
CLAUDIA: Really great. Speaks to the metaverse, which Mark and Sheryl are keen on.
