Dear Pepper is a monthly advice-column comic by Liana Finck. If you have questions for Pepper about how to act in difficult situations, please direct them to dearpepperquestions@gmail.com. Questions may be edited for brevity and clarity.
Dear Pepper,
My longtime girlfriend and I️ recently eloped, pretty much on a whim. We’re in our forties, have been living together for eight years, have two kids, and are financially stable. A few people have given us wedding presents. A vase here, a gift card there. We’re always surprised and touched. Always, that is, except when we’re bemused and concerned. A few people have given us shockingly large gifts. These make us feel like we’re being invited to play a kind of tricky game in which we’re being pressured to secretly repay these people over time for a massive check. What am I️ supposed to do? Is not cashing the checks an option?
I’ll just add that these people aren’t our parents or close relatives, and aren’t all particularly well off.
One more thing: my wife has no compunction about accepting the large gifts. She just says, “Oh, that’s so generous!”—which is sweet, but I️ see strings attached where she sees none.
All best,
Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Dear Gift-Horse Dentist,
There are many people who wouldn’t think that a ginormous wedding gift is awkward and a bit sinister, but I️, personally, happen to agree with you.
There are some exceptions. A close older relative, who would put you in their will, might prefer to be generous in their lifetime. Wills are kind of macabre, aren’t they?
And, if you were struggling to pay bills, a kind friend might help you out under the guise of a wedding present.
But it doesn’t sound like these checks fall under either of those categories.
When the gifts come from people your wife brought into the relationship—her family or school friends, for example—the answer is clear: cash the checks. It’s her call.
But when they come from your people, or, perhaps, shared people, it’s murkier. It would be rude and confusing simply not to cash a check. It’s also not ideal just to take the money.
I️ think you should examine each check on a case-by-case basis. Come up with the most plausible reason each person might have given you the money and act accordingly. Have you been complaining about expenses to one friend? Did someone feel that they owe you because you once did them a big favor? Regardless of whether or not you cash any of these checks, the most important thing is to send a really nice, thoughtful note. With very little doubt, the check writers meant well.
That being said, I’m not a fan of perpetuating the icky cycle of enormous gifts—if someone gives you a thousand-dollar wedding present, you give their kid a thousand-dollar bar-mitzvah present. But I️ guess that’s an option, too. A last resort. Enjoy living in an Edith Wharton novel.
Enclosed is a check for nine thousand dollars.
Sincerely,
Pepper
