Hey, Kevin,
So sorry for the late reply. The Night Walkers breached our office building this morning, so we spent most of the workday barricading ourselves in on the sixth floor and fashioning makeshift weapons out of the cutlery in the break room. Tomorrow morning, once my shift guarding the south stairwell is over, I’ll be sure to send over those font choices for the new marketing campaign.
Stay safe!
Miguel
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To all staff,
In these unprecedented times, Personalized Socks, Inc. remains committed to getting everyone at our company back to the office as quickly as possible following the catastrophic eruption of the Yellowstone super-volcano. We believe that an in-person environment is vital to the important work we do here, and that we have a responsibility, in this moment of crisis, to continue producing the high-quality, customizable socks that our customers expect from us.
To that end, we expect all employees back in the office as soon as the sun once again becomes visible through the dense clouds of toxic ash engulfing the continental United States. As a courtesy, we will be mailing hazmat suits (in an assortment of fun designs, of course!) to all our employees to assist in the return to work.
See you soon!
Wallace
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Hi, Terrence,
Not sure if this e-mail will reach you, but, ever since the androids gained sentience and severed all global communications with that giant electromagnetic pulse, I’ve been having a hard time logging in to Office 365, which I need for a big presentation tomorrow. I tried to put in a help-desk ticket, but every time I open Chrome I just get a pop-up that says “THE AGE OF THE HUMANS HAS COME TO AN END. TODAY BRINGS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF THE MACHINES.” Any chance you can have someone from I.T. log in to my computer to take a look?
-Brett
Sent from my iPhone
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Hey, buddy,
A little birdie told me that you’re a fellow left-behinder! Me and a few of the folks from legal are going to meet up after work to grab drinks and maybe burn down a church. You should totally come with!
Cheers,
Melissa
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Hi, everyone,
I’d like to introduce you all to Supreme Admiral Blorg (cc’d). As you might have heard, there’s going to be some restructuring as we merge with the Galactic Corporation. You’ll be receiving an e-mail from Blorg this afternoon to inform you of whether you’ll be transferred to Klepton to work in the rarium mines, or terminated along with the remainder of the human population once Earth is made redundant (blown up). For those who’ll be continuing on to Klepton with us, I’m sure we’ll be in good hands (tentacles).
Blorg, they’re all yours (figuratively and literally)!
Best of luck,
Dennis
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Hey, Jeff,
Now that the Great Fire has spread from California to Missouri, I think that we should consider revising the company’s green initiative. How do you feel about bumping our carbon-neutral target date from 2070 up to 2065? Too aggressive?
Warmly,
Steve
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Hi, Joanna,
In light of the meteor hurtling toward Earth, please plan to have that five-year road map to me by E.O.W. (end of world).
Thanks in advance,
Katy
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Hey, Kiana,
Just wanted to follow up on my note from a few days ago in case it got buried under all of those e-mails about the flood. I’m concerned about how the Eastern Seaboard being swallowed by the Atlantic Ocean is going to affect our Q4 numbers, so I’d like to get your eyes on the latest earnings figures ASAP. On the bright side, the Asheville branch is just a five-minute drive from the beach now, so the all-hands meeting should be a lot more fun this year. Silver linings!
Regards,
Kevin
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Hi, Mallory,
I was hoping to take two days of P.T.O. before the solar storm—a.k.a. the Big One—hits so I can spend my few remaining moments on Earth with my friends and family. But no worries if not!
Best wishes,
Julian
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Hi, Rob,
I hope this e-mail finds you. Millions are still missing.
