Cyclist says: On your left.
My brain says: There’s a cyclist approaching on your left, so don’t walk in that direction.
What my body does: Moves left.
Cyclist says: On your left.
My brain says: “On your left” means don’t move left.
What my body does: Moves left.
Cyclist says: On your left.
Brain says: Why are your reflexes so slow?
What my body does: Moves left.
Cyclist says: On your left.
Brain says: Make an L shape with the thumb and pointer finger of each hand. The one that looks like the letter “L”? That’s your left side. That’s the side you don’t want to be on.
What my body does: Makes L shape with fingers; moves left.
Cyclist says: On your left.
Brain says: O.K., I know that it’s really jarring to hear strangers barking directions at you so early in the morning, and that you were just expecting a leisurely walk in the park, maybe a stop at the farmers’ market to buy a eucalyptus branch that you could hang in the shower because you’re always trying to think of ways to make your bathroom feel more like a spa, but there are cyclists speeding past you like it’s a Formula 1 championship, but instead of race cars it’s bikes, and, yes, I know there’s a famous race that’s just for bikes, but I can’t seem to remember the name of it right now, so if you want to make it out of here alive and without hurting anyone, I need you to listen to me.
What my body does: Starts crying in the middle of the bike lane.
Cyclist says: On your left.
Brain says: “It’s electric! Boogie woogie, woogie. You can’t resist it. It’s electric!” Oh, I’m sorry; I had the Electric Slide song stuck in my head for some reason.
What my body does: Does the Electric Slide to the left.
Toddler riding a scooter says: On your weft.
Brain says: There’s a toddler going less than five miles per hour on his scooter—you should be fine.
What my body does: Accidentally trips and falls over the toddler; yells expletives; makes a three-year-old cry.
Cyclist says: On your right.
Brain says: What is left? What is right? Our physical body exists on a different plane than our consciousness, and directions are merely an illusion.
What my body does: Gets hit by a bike.
Cyclist says: On your left.
Brain says: Play dead.
What my body does: Plays dead.
Cyclist says: [Nothing, just rings the bike bell.]
Brain says: Good luck with this one.
What my body does: Plays dead.
Cyclist says: On your left.
Brain says: I’m feeling pretty tired from all this navigating.
What my body does: Moves left; mounts the bicycle; battles the cyclist for supremacy over bike; wins the battle; speeds away; approaches a pedestrian; yells, “On your left.”
