Finally, the T.S.A. has expanded its offerings beyond standard and Precheck lanes to include very specific alternatives and add-on experiences to make your travels so much better. Or possibly worse.
T.S.A. RubDown
Travelling can be stressful, but we’ve half listened to your complaints and determined exactly what you “knead.” When you choose this low-risk, high-frisk lane, you’ll forgo the impersonal metal detectors and head straight for the patdown. Your designated screener will not only check your body for explosives and weapons but deftly relieve the tension in your upper back and shoulders for sixty to ninety seconds.
T.S.A. AmateurHour
First time ever at the airport? Just out of practice? Don’t fret about holding up others in security with your insecurities—take advantage of our slowest lane yet! Here, you’re free to cause any form of subtle chaos. Bring an obscene amount of liquids, put your driver’s license away as slowly as humanly possible, wear a full suit of knight’s armor, look around curiously and ponder the meaning of life, ask T.S.A. staff up to two hundred questions—really, anything goes. We just ask that you please arrive nine hours before your departure.
T.S.A. Cupid
Single A.F. (“and flying”)? Looking to experience that very specific kind of airport sexual tension? In this lane, you’ll meet other singles hoping for a connection that may or may not give a new meaning to “layover.” You’ll take note of solo flyers who deserve an “additional screening,” staff will help facilitate introductions, and matches will be given priority seating at the Chili’s Too.
T.S.A. MeltDown
If you’re responsible for some of the world’s tiniest terrorists (children), you deserve to treat yourself to an experience that feels like the opposite of collapsing a stroller. We’ve created a private, soundproof tunnel where parents can feel a sense of community with other procreators, away from the glares and stares of those witnessing your child’s epic tantrum after being told that he can’t ride through the baggage X-ray machine.
T.S.A. QueueAnon
If you did your own research about venturing through airport security, don’t think any rules apply to you, and have previously teetered on the brink of being added to the no-fly list, this lane is for you! (Those who choose this route will be preëmptively duct-taped to their seat upon boarding.)
T.S.A. Museum
Culture aficionado with time to spare? Then don’t miss this option, described as “educational,” “insightful,” and “Goddammit, Susan, why did you add this shit to our ticket?” You’ll be shown an exclusive collection of items confiscated by the T.S.A.—from stuffed animals full of drugs to real animals full of drugs, and more!
T.S.A. Thrift
Don’t pay extra for the ability to keep your shoes, jacket, and belt on—try the line that lets you take those things off and encourages you to select someone else’s accessories that you like better.
T.S.A. Sport
If you can’t sit for hours on a plane without first doing ten thousand steps, you can now continue to pursue your fitness goals while you wait, led by our strongest, rudest, and most intense security experts. Be prepared for an express boot camp (you’ll need to remove your boots) that includes stanchion hurdles, luggage lifts, “air-obics” and more. You’re forbidden from producing more than 3.4 ounces of sweat.
T.S.A. Postcheck
We learn a lot about you through our security measures, but, once you’ve made it to your gate, you become a distant memory. Now, as an add-on to Precheck, we will continue to keep tabs on you—in the way a sweet, caring friend would! We’ll follow up with little texts, like “Good trip, babe?” or “Buy any huge lithium batteries while you were away?” You know, cute stuff.
