I have to imagine that one step in the process of becoming an enlightened meditator is spreading the good word. At least, that’s how it seems—dozens of practitioners have recommended meditation to me over the years. All proudly assert that it makes them “happier”—especially doing it for an hour per day—and I have some theories why:
– They met a gloriously hot person in a meditation class, and now they get laid tantrically. And often.
– At the end of the hour of meditation, they get to check their phones for notifications, and the dopamine buildup from the wait rocks their worlds.
– Their meditation center is actually a cult, which means they’ll probably be featured on Netflix.
– They have the confidence to not care what anybody else thinks, which is why they’re comfortable telling friends that they meditate for an hour a day. (I would never—I share only embarrassing facts about myself. It’s called “being likable.”)
– Meditation offers them enhanced creativity. But not so enhanced that they think of something more creative to do for an hour a day than just sit.
– Meditation is known to shrink the amygdala, which probably makes them look skinnier.
– They’re able to sit for an hour at a time without serious back pain, which means they’re clearly twenty-three.
– Meditation rewires their brains, which I can only imagine is as satisfying as untangling some knotted headphones (a sensation similar to an orgasm).
– Their careers are so stable that they don’t have to fear being unreachable by their boss for a full hour.
– The same person who recommended meditation also prescribed them Xanax. And they’re able to afford that Xanax. Meditation does sound like medication. I’d gladly do medication for an hour a day.
– Their homes are quiet enough to allow for one hour a day of meditation, which means they got their babies to stop crying. Or someone else takes care of their babies? Or they don’t have babies.
– They live a life such that they have an extra hour a day in which to meditate.
– They have the kinds of problems that can be solved with meditation.
– The idea of others meditating for an hour a day does not infuriate them.
– They’re calm and nonjudgmental, especially when it comes to things that don’t affect their lives whatsoever. They take the advice of people who seem happy and peaceful, and don’t come up with dozens of reasons why said advice is unconstructive, annoying, and privileged. I can’t relate.
– Or maybe meditation works?
