As Earth shrivels to a scorched raisin, many couples will reassess whether it’s worth birthing new life into our apocalyptic hellscape, in which all of California’s trees have gone to tree heaven and from which white male billionaires are fleeing in dick-shaped rockets. So we compiled a list of F.A.Q.s to guide couples who are on the fence!
With all the record-shattering temperatures and terrifying wildfires, should my partner and I bring another human into this world?
If you live in California: LOL, no. If you don’t live in California: yes! Biblical, city-levelling floods in Germany and a hundred-and-twenty-degree heat domes in the Pacific Northwest are just getting “warmed up” (so to speak) for their environmentally destructive workout routine. So have kids now before conditions get way, way worse—in, like, three months.
If future generations will inherit a toxic and parched wasteland, how do I insure that my potential children will have a purpose in life?
Happiness is totally relative, and your kids will not miss what they never had, including breathable air. In thirty-five years, when fighting to the death for basic resources with a sharpened Wizarding World of Harry Potter wand, your kids will undoubtedly feel a deep, visceral satisfaction at being the toughest scavengers around, even if they’re missing some fingers and most of their humanity.
Well, if everything is getting hotter, shouldn’t we just move farther north to have kids?
While the north is traditionally colder, we regret to inform you that rising temperatures will not only melt the glaciers, belching out humongous craters in the permafrost, but also uncover reindeer corpses from the Ice Age that will release ancient anthrax into the air. Fun!
If my partner and I were hypothetically members of the world’s ultra-wealthy one per cent, our newborn would be immune to the apocalypse, right?
Nope. There is nowhere on this planet left to hide—except for Peter Thiel’s mega-bunker in New Zealand, or on the artificial mini-earth that you could build on the moon using the billions from your “N.F.T.s in Space” venture.
So, let me get this straight—you’re saying that avoiding a lifetime of suffering involves hoarding immoral amounts of wealth in order to recreate the pastoral conditions of my childhood for my lunar family at the expense of literally everyone else?
Yes.
How is it fair that I’m being forced to have kids in difficult, undesirable circumstances? How am I supposed to achieve self-actualization through my kids if I also have to worry about things like murderous hailstorms and reindeer anthrax?
You can’t—self-actualization is an illusion, an unreachable nirvana that’s been financially weaponized by self-help charlatans and trust-fund kids to convince you to buy their $4.99 e-book. Death comes to us all.
Growing up, I was told that having kids is a life-changing event, one that will morally enhance my world view. Why am I being deprived of my evolutionary birthright? Did you ever stop to consider my need to pass down my genes? My legacy?
Sir, please calm down. We did consider it, and we don’t think that your “legacy” as the associate producer of a thirty-four-episode podcast deconstructing the remake of the Rachel Maddow bio-pic is worth passing on.
Wow. These F.A.Q.s are getting quite personal—and, frankly, a bit mean. It is you, Sir F.A.Q., who shouldn’t bring children into this world!
. . .
I’m sorry. I got carried away, and I’d like to reset. My partner has abruptly announced that she is leaving me after suffering through my “thousandth nihilistic man-baby meltdown” (her words). Any tips on post-apocalyptic single parenthood?
No.
