10. The Existential Elf on the Shelf
Position this glum little guy on a shelf, then watch as he never moves an inch. I mean, what’s the point?
9. “ ’Twas the Night Before the Breakdown of the Global Supply Chain,” as Read by Nina Totenberg
Share this heartwarming spin on a holiday classic with your children, giving them a magical glimpse into the world of trade restrictions and economic nationalism, along with a fun explainer as to why there are no presents under the tree this year.
8. Mistle-Toe
Hang an actual preserved human toe from the ceiling in order to repel people from the room. Because no one should be freaking kissing right now. Hello—Omicron?!
7. Wreath Made of HelloFresh Coupons
You probably have about three hundred of these things, so why not fashion them into a whimsical bit of promotional décor? Don’t think you have enough for a full wreath? Go check the mailbox. They’ll be buried under the holiday cards from high-school friends who like to take family portraits posed upon velvet couches that are inexplicably in the woods.
6. SantaCon Hats with Rapid Tests and Small Hand Mirrors Attached
If you’re one of those rowdy holiday revellers who likes to get shit-faced and terrorize local businesses while clad in a Santa costume, then this is a must-have. All hats come with a swab for easy antigen testing after the party, as well as a small hand mirror for you to stare into later while asking yourself, What kind of person am I, really? Do I actually consider these assholes “friends”?
5. The Shruggie
Like a Snuggie, except specifically for when Aunt Carol starts explaining for the twentieth time why she will never get vaccinated. Just throw on this cuddly, oversized onesie, shrug, then lie back and drift off into blissful unconsciousness.
4. Motor-Oil-Masking Cinnamon-Scented Candle
Let’s be real—you’re probably going to have to do the gift exchange in the garage with the door open, again. Thanks, Aunt Carol.
3. Candy-Cane-Shaped Dynamite
Light the festive fuse on these adorable sticks of nitroglycerin to blow a hole through the stack of Amazon boxes blocking your front door so that you may burrow your way out into the light.
2. Home Depot’s Sixteen-Foot Inflatable Id
Did you think those enormous Halloween skeletons were fun? Well, how about putting the most impulsive part of your psyche on display for the whole neighborhood? Let passing motorists ooh and ah over this giant inflatable version of your most base, primal desires! (L.E.D. display optional.)
1. Clear Eggnog Served in a Bowl Shaped Like Frosty the Snowman
Really just straight vodka. So that you may drink and forget. And possibly puke onto Frosty’s face.
