Hey, Pumpkin! I thought you were going to call me from the turnoff. Why’d you park there? Now I can’t bring up my trash cans. You must be the boyfriend. I’m Walter, but you might as well call me Grandpa, too.
Let me show you to the guest room. It’s right up at the top of these stairs. You kind of have to go up sideways, the way skiers do when they don’t want to take their skis off. We’ve been meaning to put in a bannister, but for now you can just push your backside against the wall and slide up. That’s why the wallpaper is shinier right there. And be careful when you’re coming down—the carpeting on the stairs makes it hard to tell where one ends and the next one begins. Last thing we need is another busted collarbone!
Now, it might be . . . oof, let me catch my breath. It might be a little chilly at night because they added this room onto the house after it was built, and I guess they never connected the ductwork. But, if you get cold, there are three burlap sacks in the spider closet. Also, there’s a crocheted blanket in there. Crochet, I always say, is the art of using yarn to connect giant holes to each other.
Sorry about the twin beds. We got those from Stu and Arlene, you know, after the accident. They moved away shortly after that. That was 1980. No, it was ’79 because I still had the Buick.
There is one electrical outlet. It’s behind the dresser, right in the middle. But don’t move the dresser because it’s full of books. It’s more likely to come apart than slide if you pull on it. But you can take the third drawer all the way out and plug in your doodads like that.
Watch your head on the light fixtures and the doorway. All of this was put in when people didn’t get as tall as they do now.
If you want to connect to the Wi-Fi, the username is DaleMontgomery@riverbridgeDotArpanet and the password—oh boy, well, it’s written down somewhere in this house. If you really want, I’ll find it for you. That’s the neighbor’s Wi-Fi, though, so if it’s windy you’re going to have trouble connecting to it.
Now, the guest bath. You’ll have hot water between six and around 6:45 A.M. Turn it on fifteen minutes ahead, and let it run till it’s not brown anymore and you don’t smell rotten eggs. Now, this tub gets very slippery when it’s wet, so be careful. Keep a good bend in your knees and you should be all right. There is one towel under the sink. It’s the American flag with forty-eight stars. Your grandmother says it’s a dish towel, but I say it’ll do the job. If you need more than that, you can check in the spider closet.
I wouldn’t use this toilet. If you need to go in the middle of the night, you can use the one in my room. Don’t worry, you won’t wake me.
If you want to watch TV, that basket there is full of remotes. One of them works the TV. If you want to use the VHS, you have to take the batteries out of the TV remote and put them in the VHS remote. There’s a tape somewhere of that “Talented Mr. Ripley,” but we don’t care for it because of the swears.
Now, this switch over here doesn’t do anything. See that? Nothing.
O.K., you two make yourselves comfortable! We’ll head out to La Cantina at four-forty-five, but Miguel’s off tonight, so I wouldn’t expect much.
