I have been in the food business my entire life. Ever since I was little, I’ve had a nose for this kind of work. You might say I was born to be a restaurant critic. But never before have I encountered a culinary experience so innovative that it threatened to alter the industry as we know it. Which is why I’d like to share a few of what I consider to be the standout meals over the years from the best and only establishment I’ve ever been to—the kitchen floor.
This one is always a treat. Usually, if someone is making a sandwich, a sliver will miraculously find its way into my lap. Imagine the carelessness! You never know the moment the turkey is going to drop, and that suspense is what keeps me coming back, night after night.
This isn’t just a meal—it’s an experience. Start by chewing off the cap, so you can make your way to the plastic body of the pen and get to the ink. That’s the juiciest part! You then want to down the ink like a shot—it’ll go down real smooth if it’s a fresh one. When you’re done, go back and enjoy the rest of the plastic, but be sure to savor it.
Hard to swallow at first, but worth the challenge!
They usually only offer this as a weeknight special, so if you are lucky enough to see it on the menu don’t think twice. If it’s prepared right, that soft, delicate paper will rip into a million pieces. The best part is getting it all soggy in your mouth and then spitting it out just before you choke on it. This kind of artistry and care is what made me fall in love with the restaurant business in the first place.
These are extremely rare—I’ve only ever eaten two pairs—but they will change your life and alter your digestive system forever. I would definitely consider these more of a dessert, especially because of that vaguely sweet aftertaste you get from chewing stainless steel, so try not to overindulge!
If you’re confused, that’s because this item is actually on the secret menu. You have to ask for it, and by that I mean find it lying in the corner of the kitchen or about to fall off someone’s foot. But, when you do find it, it will be well worth the wait. The satisfaction of tearing through a cotton sock and then swallowing it whole is like nothing else—except for the taste of wool socks, which are exquisite.
When you can’t find any rocks to eat, this is the next best thing. Can you say “I do”?
At this point, if you have any room left and are not violently ill, I recommend returning after-hours for a night cap. Someone’s always usually still awake, so stick around as long as you can, and stay close to any and all surfaces. Something will come your way eventually. Bon appétit!
