Dearest classmate,
You are cordially invited to my impending nuptials with my super-hot boyfriend who goes to school with my cousin in Canada.
Venue: The mall.
Transportation: Our moms can drive everyone to the event if your moms can pick you up.
Lodging: Your options include half of a twin bed or a sleeping bag on the floor. Each room is equipped with a Tamagotchi for entertainment, a lava lamp/night-light, and you will find a Flintstones gummy vitamin on your pillow when you arrive. There will be babysitters on site for your Tamagotchi during the services.
Food: Please let us know when you R.S.V.P. if you’d prefer the vegetarian option (square cheese pizza) or chicken option (dino nugs). We will have Cool Ranch Doritos, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and every other brand-name chip that comes in the loudest possible bags.
Drink: There will be an open bar with all your favorites, such as Crystal Light (Strawberry Lemonade, obviously), both regular Kool-Aid and Kool-Aid Bursts, and Snapple, so that you can click the top to the beat of the music all night long. Before toasts, servers will distribute Capri Sun in champagne flutes.
Recommended Attire: A shiny ruched bodycon dress or two polos layered on top of each other (collars down, as this is a semi-formal affair). If you get cold, you can add a zip-up sweatshirt from Hot Topic with Edward Cullen’s face on the back, or you can shiver dramatically and hope that Johnny S. picks up on the cue to loan you his bar-mitzvah suit jacket. Ugg boots are optional but recommended. Heelys are obviously encouraged, but please be considerate of the space and other guests as you zip around. If you work up a sweat, we will have Victoria’s Secret Love Spell and Axe body spray (in Musk and Spice) available for guest use. Unless you don’t bring a gift, in which case you will be offered Moonlight Path from Bath & Body Works.
Toasts: Jake P. will be speaking at our wedding, as he is the funniest kid in our science class and made not one, but two, substitute teachers cry last year. He has promised to regale us with tales of almost touching a boob last summer at camp and will be performing the entire second act of “Step Brothers.”
Music: If any of the songs you want to play require Youtube2MP3 conversion, please let the d.j. know in advance.
Dancing: Please remember proper grind-line etiquette—you must be completely pressed up against the person ahead of you and gyrating on beat. If you can’t keep rhythm, kindly wait for a slow dance and make sure to maintain a foot of space between you and your dance partner.
First Dance Song: “I Wanna Love You (Clean Version)” by Akon.
Wedding Party: As you can see from our joint MySpace (myspace.com/MyTotallyRealWedding), our wedding party is also super hot. Cheers to our eternal top eight! Love you, :::Punk Egg:::, Taken by MT on 7/1, RaWr MeAnS i LoVe YoU iN hErBiVoRe, Cereal K!LLER, ♥ Sexy (Left Full)Back ♥, The Used Is My World, xTRAVISxTRAVESTYx, 8==BILLY, and Avril Lavigne. I know you probably won’t read this, but you’re invited, Avril!!!
Bachelorette Party: If you want to join in on the fun, you can meet us next Saturday promptly at 7 P.M. at the Night Club on Club Penguin for hours of debauchery. We’ll be done by 9 P.M. because that’s when my computer time is up.
Photography: My mother will be walking around, taking pictures of the evening. She is incapable of taking a good photo of me to save her life, so I will be running from her.
Social Media: Please set your AIM status to “@ the best wedding of my LIFE!!!” If you take any pictures of the event on your RAZR phones, please text them to us. And don’t forget—in every group pic, at least one person must have their eyes closed and half the group has to be looking at the wrong camera.
Registry: We are registered at Aéropostale, Wet Seal, Barnes & Noble, Delia’s, Forever 21, rue21, RadioShack, and Starbucks. Please do not give us Kohl’s Cash, as our moms already have enough.
R.S.V.P.: Please let us know ASAP by calling either of our moms.
