Are you an independent worker? Are you looking to make a difference in the world? Are you interested in protecting the treasured Holy Grail? Then apply for a job with the Knights Templar today! Following a wave of resignations during the past year, we have several openings that urgently need to be filled.
About Us
The Knights Templar have been the leading entrusted guardian of the Holy Grail for the past nine centuries. We are seeking hardworking recruits who have a passion for martyrdom and managing long-term projects. Hiree will be tasked with overseeing the safety of the Cup of Christ, held by Jesus at the Last Supper. (Specifics of the life-giving powers of the Grail will be covered during onboarding.)
We offer a competitive salary and benefits package. Here are just some of the many perks you can expect:
- Flexible work arrangement. We understand that Americans are tired of long, stressful commutes and working out of musty, centuries-old
castles. That’s why we highly encourage all employees to work from
home—as long as you remember to bring the Grail with you. We even
offer reimbursement for expenses incurred while converting a corner
of your living room into a sacred, hidden vault. - Health insurance. We have a comprehensive, miracle-based health-insurance package that will give you peace of mind as you
spend all of eternity protecting the blessèd cup from unholy seekers,
e.g. heretics, marauders, and TikTok influencers who wish to mix Diet
Coke and Mentos in the Grail for clout. - Education. We believe that all employees should have the opportunity to pursue further education and enlightenment. We will
cover tuition for any course you take as long as it involves learning
Aramaic. - Wellness program. Your mental health and well-being are our top priorities. We offer a range of services to help you cope with the
trauma of witnessing the unrighteous drink out of a decoy Grail and
desiccate into dust before your very eyes. - Free cold brew and craft beers on tap. Just don’t drink them out of the Grail.
- Vacation and paid time off. We’ve heard the feedback from burned-out former employees and have taken it to heart. After only a
hundred and fifty years of service, vacation automatically scales up
to three weeks. Make the most of your generous P.T.O. with
complimentary accommodations at any of our Transjordanian
strongholds. And we don’t differentiate between sick days and
personal days, sparing you from the mortal sin of lying. - 401(k) matching. For every four hundred and one knaves you fell, the Order will give you four hundred and one little sips from the
Grail toward retirement. - Generous signing bonus. The promise of eternal life!
Essential Duties
- Communicating complex concepts and ancient warnings clearly and
sternly. May be required to engage in occasional light-to-moderate
combat.
Preferred Qualifications
- Experience in handling a sacred chalice is not necessary, but an
interest in fancy drinking vessels is a plus. - Can hoist a sword for hours at a time.
- Can impale the skulls of intruders with professionalism and a
positive attitude. - Vow of chastity is a must.
Salary
- Thirty-five thousand dollars a year or commensurate with experience.
Equal Employment Opportunity (E.E.O.), except for women, the unbaptized, and the sexually active. Third-born sons are particularly encouraged to apply.
We look forward to reading your application!
