Hey, guys! Let’s jump right in.
I get the same questions from all of my coastal viewers: none. They’re with God now. But the ones far enough inland to keep skating ask, “What’s the best board for riding a dead planet?”
There’s no universal answer; we all have different goals. Some of us turn dried-out lakes into perfect D.I.Y. bowls. Others weave through silent cities to stay a step ahead of the Moisture Thieves. You don’t need me to tell you that a stable downhill setup is the best way to survive—and enjoy—an approaching sandstorm. And many freestyle skaters thrive as their warlord’s favorite jester-acrobat.
That said, I’m trying out gear reviews. I do a little bit of everything, so I’m in a good position to tell if a deck is right for you. I’m excited to share fifteen years of riding, first aid, and sniper experience.
But I know my fans. You want to see some skating first.
Man, I’m wiped! The Moisture Thieves aren’t playing today.
This deck comes from Temujin Seven-Tooth, the warlord who took over Powell-Peralta’s woodshop. Shout-out to Temujin. This is going to be an unbiased review—I’m under SwiftArrow-clan protection, as both jester-acrobat and friend. Shout-out to Baron SwiftArrow.
It’s called the Temujin Red Eye. Crazy name, right? They really leaned into it. The graphic—a crimson iris—is hand-painted with the actual blood of rival clans, sending a simple message: however far into the wastelands you run, Temujin can find your family.
Honestly, it looks pretty sick. I can see why his man hunters rock it. Showing it off is good motivation to keep living. Along with this new park! Some scavengers turned the Washington Monument into a vert ramp. Let’s do some more skating.
Flash acid rain, right after warmups—figures. Back to business for a few minutes.
The Red Eye’s 8.7-by-thirty-three inches of bone-reinforced maple ply might seem chunky if you’re riding tech. But the medium’s the message: this board’s perfect for escaping a raid.
Or conducting one—I see all the spear emojis in the chat. Shout-out to the man hunters.
And, I have to say, the durability’s crazy. I collected a water debt during yesterday’s session, and one swing laid out the Outsider. One! And the deck’s not even chipped. I haven’t seen craftsmanship like this since the First Drought.
Trust me, that’s an achievement. I was just sixteen when acid rain became the main kind. I thought it would burn, but it just changed the plants. My dad ate one of those scrawny blue tomatoes, and then stopped moving. He’d stolen it from me. As I watched him go, I wished he’d let me have half.
Luckily, I had skateboarding. Time for some grinds! Gotta keep your attention, right?
This doesn’t feel like life, does it? We’re in the aftermath of life—the leftovers of people too bloated to think or care.
I almost wish the old satellites would go down. Recording this feels like d.j.’ing a funeral. If you’ve ever d.j.’d a funeral, leave a comment. Or, if your clan doesn’t remember d.j.s, leave a comment. Just leave something, this is the safest human contact I get.
Sorry—downer. Let’s do some flat-ground tricks. If I land this double flip, you have to subscribe.
All right, feeling good again. Here’s my setup for this. Board: I’m riding SoCannibal trucks, because they’re the only option left. Finding meat to trade for them gets depressing, but I think we can all agree snappy turning’s worth it. I ride the hollow ones.
I’m still in love with this graphic, so I added rails to protect the bloodstain. Rails also give me something to hold on to when I’m too malnourished to ride. That’s pretty often, these days. Either the fall crop’s contaminated, or age is catching up with me.
It’s the crops. Everything that grows here is poison.
Now, a lot of you guys love hard wheels. But most clans don’t have the slave-to-warrior ratio to maintain great concrete. I suggest being a little more realistic, and running softer, ruin-friendly wheels. Less hassle, less falling, and less thinking about what’s left. I’m on 93A SoCannibal KneeCapz, and I’ve ridden over bodies without losing speed.
That’s the review. What do you want to see next? More reviews? A skate park in cannibal territory? Tips for crying without exposing your position? Leave it in the comments.
And keep skating! Nothing else remains. ♦