Pestilence: Hey, guys, what horses are you gonna ride for the apocalypse tomorrow? Thinking of doing white.
Famine: Dibs black.
War: Red? That feels like me, right?
Pestilence: Death, what color you thinking?
Death: Pale.
Pestilence: . . .
War: OMG LOL
Pestilence: O.K., but, like, what do you mean by “pale”?
Death: Pale.
Pestilence: O.K., but it feels like that’s sort of what I’m doing with white.
War: If switching colors is on the table, I have to be honest, I can’t find a red horse. Can I do strawberry roan?
Death: What if you do white?
Pestilence: O.K., seriously?
Famine: What time is everyone getting there? I don’t want to show up and have it be just, like, me and the beasts making small talk.
Pestilence: I think I caught a bug or something and I’m kinda sick, so I think I’m gonna go on the early side and then duck out.
Death: I have, like, two birthday things on the other side of town that night, so I’ll keep you all posted.
Famine: Death, can I just get a ride with you? I think I’m going to the same b-day drinks.
Pestilence: O.K., but you each have to be on a different horse. That’s, like, the whole deal.
Death: I might bring that guy I’m seeing.
Pestilence: Death, will you just tell me what color horse you’re riding? I’m doing white and I called it first.
Death: Pale.
Famine: Has anyone been to an apocalypse before? It’s my first and I don’t really know what I’m getting into.
War: That’s, like, the whole point of an apocalypse. There’s only one.
Famine: Can I get some outfit advice? What if I was just, like, holding scales?
Pestilence: You’re gonna hold them the whole night?
Famine: Yeah, like . . . weighing the food? Get it?
Pestilence: Isn’t the point that you don’t have food? Like, you’d be weighing nothing? Also, I get that this event has a theme, but I don’t think it’s, like, costumed.
War: BOOOOOOO I’m bringing a SWORD.
Pestilence: Wait, I can’t find my invite. Were we supposed to bring an object?
Death: The guy I’m seeing is my object.
War: What if you brought, like, a thermometer. Or tea?
Pestilence: I’m not a common cold! I’m a PLAQUE! It’s cool!
War: PLAQUE
Famine: PLAQUE PLAQUE PLAQUE
Death: PLAQUEEE
Pestilence: *Plague. Jesus.
Pestilence: You guys are acting like children.
War: [gif of Judge Judy rolling her eyes]
Famine: [gif of NeNe Leakes rolling her eyes]
Death: [gif of Molly Ringwald in “The Breakfast Club” giving the finger]
Pestilence: Fuck you, guys. I’m riding a white horse and I’m confident enough to not hold an object.
War: Has renamed the group chat “Pestilence is a little bitch.”
Pestilence: Fine! Don’t come! I’m going early and hanging out with the beasts, who are actually very cool.
Famine: OMG, calm down!
Death: Pale is very different from white.
Pestilence: Literally how?!
Death: Also, can I add the guy I’m seeing to the chat? I feel like it’d be easier to plan?
Famine: NO. THE GROUP CHAT IS SACRED.
Pestilence: We’ve had this chat for, like, two thousand years. You can’t just add someone new.
Death: Has added “Climate Change” to the chat.
Death: Whoops.
Death: Too late.
Climate Change: Hey, guys! So excited to meet you all! I’ve never been to an apocalypse before!
War: AGAIN, THAT’S THE POINT. THERE’S ONLY ONE.
Pestilence: So excited to hang—I feel like you and I are gonna be buds.
Famine: Plaque.
War: PLAQUEEE
Pestilence: [gif of Molly Ringwald in “The Breakfast Club” giving the finger]
