Wow, what a beautiful audience at Big Brother’s Factory of Compulsory Laughs! I’m so thankful and obligated to be your regime-approved standup comedian.
Hey, what’s the deal with Big Brother? He’s not big and he’s not my brother! I had a brother and Big Brother said that he was a traitor to the state. I watched him die by firing squad. This guy up front gets it!
My wife is always on my back. She’s so paranoid—she’s constantly going through my mail and phone records! And I tell her to make sure she checks them thoroughly, so that she can confirm that I’m not communicating with any political dissidents.
I love my wife—the state assigned her to me, after all—but we can’t agree on anything! I want to go to the military parades, but my wife wants to watch the new play about our enemies, so we always end up compromising and throwing stones at prisoners of war. Then we have our mandated and supervised weekly intercourse, for reproductive purposes. The fellas in the room know what I’m talking about!
Hey, what’s the difference between men and women? Nothing. Difference is treason.
Give it up for the Thought Police, am I right? And, by “give it up,” I mean, “give up any and all information you have on political dissidents.” They’re the big guys in the back with the guns. They work hard!
Give yourselves a hand, too, huh? Sorry to anyone who lost their hands as punishment for a curfew violation! The Thought Police dragged you out of bed at dawn and you’ve still got a really great energy!
Anyone here from out of town? I’m kidding! There is no refuge here for outsiders.
My neighbor is so annoying—he snores so loud I can’t fall asleep! The extra hours awake allow me to be more devoted to Big Brother and the downfall of our enemies. And this joke in no way implies that the structural integrity of my building’s walls are anything but excellent.
Make sure to tip your bartender—if you suspect anyone you know of being a thought criminal, you must tip off the bartender so that they can reëducate that person. And grab some delicious plain bread while you’re at it.
Don’t forget about the drink special tonight! Buy two drinks, get two free. That’s five drinks, folks!
My mom and dad don’t understand this whole comedy thing. I saw my parents the other night and they told me they loved me and were proud of me. I only feel love for the state. Also, I reported them for acknowledging that my brother existed.
What else is in the news? Oh, did you guys see that movie that’s out right now? The only movie out right now? It’s called “Ninety Minutes of Saluting the Flag.” I loved it! It was almost as fun as the last movie I saw, “A Man Reads a Book and Dies.”
Hey, what’s the deal with books, huh? Are they just weird firewood? And, speaking of fire, what’s the deal with firing squads? Do we love them or do we love them? Is it weird that I love them, even though they killed my brother?
The Thought Police are giving me the light from the scopes of their sniper rifles, so that’s my time! You are legally required to stick around for the upcoming acts, a live recording of “So You Think You Can Be a Productive Member of the State,” the wealthy class waving at us, and more marching. Thanks for being so compliant!
