Photograph by Lisa Kyle Young / Getty
Valued Customer: Sincerest apologies, but our organically fed, hundred-per-cent pasture-raised chicken breasts are no longer available. As a substitute, please accept this bag of heavily processed, fifty-per-cent meat, fifty-per-cent miscellaneous chicken-nugget-like product.
Dear Sir or Madam: We wanted to let you know that, though you ordered a single ergonomic desk chair for your two-hundred-square-foot apartment, we have inexplicably sent you three. Unfortunately, we cannot accept returns at this time.
Dear Parent: Sadly, the regular sources of entertainment and child care required for you to maintain your sanity are unavailable. Instead, we will be sending you a wine glass that will never seem big enough. Note: it is as fragile as your rare moments of peace.
Attention, Hospital Staff: We’re so sorry, but we no longer have protective gloves in stock. Please take these oven mitts covered in garbage bags.
Dear Essential Worker: We regret to inform you that the sense of humanity and empathy you have requested from Jared Kushner is currently on back order. While he rolls around in his national stockpile of masks, why not try a bandanna?
Greetings, Once-Enthusiastic Recipient of Letters and Packages: We are sorry to say that the United States Postal Service is no longer functioning, owing to underfunding. As such, we cannot deliver that birthday check from your grandma.
Dear Environment: We sincerely apologize for the mixed messages. We know that your air has been uncharacteristically light on pollution lately, but, please, don’t get used to it.
Dear Small Business: The P.P.P. loan you applied for cannot be processed, as the relevant fund has already been depleted. Please accept this coupon for twenty-five per cent off your next meal at Ruth’s Chris Steak House, along with our apologies.
Hello, Mr. McConnell: Regrettably, the two hundred and fifty-six rolls of toilet paper you ordered are temporarily out of stock. Please be assured that we plan to replenish our supply soon so that you do not resort to wiping your ass with the Constitution.
Dear Human Deserving of Basic Rights: Much to our dismay, we remain unable to fulfill your order for universal health care. Might we kindly suggest that you turn back time and move to Canada?
Valued Citizen: The competent leader you requested is no longer in the White House. Please accept this impatient, uninformed, delusional ratings-chaser as an inadequate replacement. Unfortunately, we cannot accept returns at this time.
Deepest Apologies, America: Your democracy has been discontinued. With enough November preorders, however, we hope to offer this product to you again in 2021.
