I dunno. I heard a lot about this place, and everyone seems to love it, but the clouds are too soft—you could break an ankle if you had bones—and, granted, the peach cobbler (which everyone raves about) is perfect, but how much peach cobbler can you eat, really?
Smaller than I imagined. Also bigger than I imagined.
Let me preface this by saying, I love God. I mean, God’s perfect. And IMHO that’s what makes Heaven so disappointing. Because you think, like, God. You know? What could be better than that? Nothing. Of course. So, yeah, big letdown.
Could use a lot more sensitivity with the intake procedures. Everyone’s, like, “We’re all so happy, we’re bathed in God’s grace for eternity, tra-la-la.” I just died, man. Have a little compassion.
I would be giving this place five stars except for one angel who was really rude to me. My harp needed to be restrung, but he said, “Whatever sound you make here, it’s perfect.” I told him that it was my harp and I should know when it needs new strings, and then he said (this really killed me, no pun intended), “Nothing need ever be new again. It’s all new forever.” With a big smile on his face. Can you believe the nerve? So condescending and disrespectful.
I really wanted condor wings.
I feel kinda bad about the one star, but I guess it was just way overhyped to me, and when I got here I took one look at the clouds and the angels and everyone in white gowns and thought, “Really?” It’s such a cliché.
At first, it was a total rush hanging out with my idols, shvitzing with Churchill, playing foosball with Shakespeare, etc. But then they started getting on my nerves. Einstein has this nervous tic where he says “Ja?” at the end of every sentence, and Jesus often sits quietly for hours, not saying anything, even when I know he knows the answers during Trivia Night. Much more impressive in books and on TV, that’s for sure.
I’m only giving one star because no stars is not an option. Right from the start, it seemed really unorganized. I worked my entire life in event planning, and, trust me, they could all do with some additional training. When I arrived, they just showed me in, no registration or anything, and it was like I was left on my own to figure out eternity. I went up to one angel and said, “So what do we do here?,” and she said, “Whatever you want,” which is really no answer at all when you think about it.
Not a fan of the pearly-white color scheme.
I thought the whole point of this place was to be together with your dead loved ones, but when I got here my dead loved ones were busy hanging out with Shakespeare and Churchill and Tallulah Bankhead. They should really organize it better so that families stay together and don’t have to compete with every famous dead person who ever lived. And God.
I really wish I could give this a five-star rating, but my experience here is complicated. The place itself is controversial (we’d heard all kinds of weird stuff about who got in and who went to Hell instead), though honestly it doesn’t feel like an “honor” or whatever to be here. It feels completely natural—which I think is part of the problem. Shouldn’t it feel weirder? Since it’s an exclusionary afterlife that I’m guessing some pretty decent souls have been left out of? During life, I fought against exclusive policies and clubs and secret societies, and it seems like this is the mother of them all.
Scary for kids.
What a farce! I’m a churchgoing Christian who prayed every day of her adult life, then I get here and find the place overrun with seemingly anyone who didn’t kill a million people. Sorry, Stalin, Hitler, and Pol Pot—you’re not welcome here. But apparently for everyone else it’s “Come on in!” Yesterday, I saw Al Goldstein. Ugh.
Really, really boring. Trust me: no one wants to feel good all the time. Prefer the mix of experiences at the other place, to be honest. If you haven’t checked it out, you definitely should. Down there, you call the shots instead of just being one of God’s happy tools. Tempted? Then you’re already on your way. And please . . . write a review. ♦
