The sun rises over Euphoria High School, in a typical suburb somewhere in the United States that looks a lot like Southern California.
INT. SCHOOL—DAY
TEACHERS, STUDENTS, and STAFF begin arriving at the school. The teachers are all dressed like the wealthy people in “The Hunger Games.” The students are all dressed like runway models from Paris Fashion Week 2019. A CUSTODIAN wearing a leather bondage suit wipes copious amounts of sex residue and drugs from the floor with a mop. The mop is made out of solid gold and bedazzled with precious gemstones.
INT. BATHROOM—DAY
LEXI and RUE are in a spacious bathroom with wall-to-wall mirrors, like every bathroom in a typical American high school. CASSIE enters. She is dressed like a country-music sensation, because she is from Oklahoma.
MADDY and KAT enter. They are dressed like Cheech and Chong. Maddy looks at Cassie, angrily.
MADDY: Bitch, you better be smoking.
Cassie immediately starts screaming and sobbing uncontrollably and has to be escorted up a flight of stairs. The conflict is just one of many between Cassie and Maddy, who are locked in an epic battle that will determine the fate of the universe.
LEXI: I am going to write a play about this called “Euphoria” that will be a TV show someday.
INT. LIVING ROOM—DAY
ELLIOT and JULES decide to stage an intervention for Rue. They stage the intervention because they are in some sort of throuple with Rue, and the drugs are getting in the way of it. Rue’s family and friends tell Rue that they flushed all of the drugs from her drug suitcase down the toilet, and her jaw drops as low as Spongebob Squarepants’s jaw would drop if he were confronted with equally surprising and devastating information.
Rue turns to the camera and, in an elaborate, stylized montage, explains that she cannot stop doing drugs because being addicted to drugs is too glamorous and fun, so her only option is to go on a rampage instead.
EXT. CITY—NIGHT
Rue lights a bridge on fire. Then she lights an entire city block on fire. Then she flips a bunch of police cars over and lights those on fire. The town looks just like Philadelphia after the Eagles won the Super Bowl, in 2018. Once she has finished rampaging, Rue tries to ride away on her bicycle, but she crashes it into various objects in quick succession.
RUE: I am going to walk everywhere from now on.
Rue walks to some place where she can get ahold of more drugs.
INT. HOUSE PARTY—NIGHT
Rue, Cassie, Lexi, Maddy, and Kat are all at a house party where there is an ENORMOUS PILE OF DRUGS, from which people are partaking liberally. We see tons of penises and boobs, like you would at any regular high-school party. The girls are talking about how normal it is to see so many penises and boobs in high school, when, suddenly, Rue turns to Cassie the way that Christine Quinn from “Selling Sunset” might when she’s about to cause some major drama.
RUE: I just have one question—how long have you been fucking Nate Jacobs?
Everyone is so shocked that they spit gallons of water all over the room and their souls temporarily leave their bodies.
CASSIE: I have indeed been fucking Nate Jacobs for a very long time.
MADDY: I have also been fucking Nate Jacobs.
KAT: I have probably fucked Nate Jacobs at least a few times myself.
LEXI: I, too, have fucked Nate Jacobs on occasion.
RUE: We are all fucking Nate Jacobs.
CASSIE: I can’t stand Nate Jacobs.
MADDY: I despise Nate Jacobs.
LEXI: I have nothing but the utmost contempt for Nate Jacobs.
KAT: I have the exact same visceral hatred for Nate Jacobs that I had for Chuck Bass when he slept with Jenny Humphrey in the Season 3 finale of “Gossip Girl.”
RUE: We all hate Nate Jacobs because we are all fucking Nate Jacobs.
NATE arrives at the party with a gun and steals Maddy’s DVD copy of Rob Reiner’s 1986 coming-of-age classic, “Stand by Me.”
MADDY: I am going to kill Nate Jacobs in a grizzly murder that shocks the nation.
KAT: I wish Winona Ryder’s character from “Heathers” went to our school. She would totally murder Nate Jacobs.
The rapper MAC MILLER shows up with more drugs. He and Lexi hit it off after he tells her that she would look cute with rollers in her hair, and everyone at the party bursts into tears of joy the second that Mac’s and Lexi’s hands touch. They all do a hit of drugs from the newly replenished drug pile, take off their clothes, and bond over their mutual hatred of Nate Jacobs.
