Some other things you might not know about Jesus that we share here in the spirit of friendship and also so you don’t get lippy with the Jesus-talk and make a fool of yourself again:
Jesus said that the last shall be first and the first shall be last. Again, what did He mean? The meaning here is crystal clear: Be first. Get to the head of the line. Except, “Wait,” you might say. “What about the first being last?” Use your head, please. If the last shall be first and the first shall be last, what are the last supposed to do? Be first. Run up there, get to the front. Cut the line. Oh, but there’s an old woman and a baby up there. “How is that my problem?” Jesus might have said. Jesus never talked about children or the elderly and wisely remained a bachelor with no kids but did date casually and was apparently very good-looking.
Do you know how Jesus died? It wasn’t in a traffic accident, as most people think. It was Crucifixion, which is unpleasant, but the upside is that it made Him very famous (likely a four or higher Nielsen rating, were it televised today), so not all bad.
“Why did Jesus have to die?” a lot of people ask. The answer is because some people sin and vote and use the wrong bathroom and criticize others who are the President or Vice-President, which they shouldn’t do, and that’s why Jesus likely died. For other people’s sins.
Have you ever heard the story of Jesus turning water into wine? O.K., well, many people here in America say that a certain someone reminds them of Jesus. We won’t name names, but suffice it to say that this person recently turned wine into Diet Coke—which, granted, was done by accident when a certain someone poured a Diet Coke into a glass of wine. But many in attendance said it was a miracle.
What were Jesus’ thoughts about money? Again—“Bible,” which tells us that He walked into a bank one day to cash a check but the bank happened to be doing business in a church because the main branch was being renovated and apparently Jesus went crazy and turned over the desks of bankers who were trying to close a very big real-estate deal. Which begs the question: Was Jesus rude? Yes, at times. What was His message in turning over the tables, besides showing His rudeness? The message was: Don’t be stupid and rent. Buy. Renting is for saps. That’s what pissed Jesus off. “Cash is king,” He said at one point in “Bible,” toward the end, where they kill the shark and Quint dies.
Our point is this: Get to know Jesus better, Pope. Ask yourself the question each day: “What would Jesus do?” Isn’t that the question we are all trying to answer? And the answer, we think, is that He would go into tech or possibly private equity. ♦
